Basketball.

because I had fun playing basketball.

Cam and Ema came to my house on a lovely Saturday morning to play basketball. They totally cheered me up :') I am so glad I have them in my life. I would never trade them for any other. People like Cam and Ema are hard to find. An amazing fact about ema is that she always and I mean ALWAYS calls me when Im sad. Cam, even though we dont talk much or even at all when we are in college but when we meet up, it feels like we never ever did stop talking. Im so blessed to have them in my life. Alhamdulillah :')

<2 sloth

Staring at the ceilling.

because I am.


Just lying down on the floor of my living room staring up. Trying to be numb.


<2 sloth

Tired.

because I am.

Right now I am so emotionally tired. I want to write it all down so in the future, when I read my past post it will make me smile and laugh which right now seems quite impossible for me to do. I am so tired. So tired to even start to explain what happened, why, when, how, why. Well, its not like I have the answer to all of those questions but you get what I mean when I say what happened. All I want to do right now is sleep until this year is over. Goodnight.

<2 sloth

Deepavali.

because this year it kinda felt like it.

I had a nice day today. Alhamdulillah :) Kak Amy and Abu came and brought me to Puan Devasara's house where I got to meet her and also Puan Shima. Gosh! They made me miss school so much. Had a nice conversation with my seniors aka Kak Amy's friends. They are really nice. Got to eat all the nice Indian food. So festive! Hahahaha :) Then we went to Abu's cousins' house and spend some time with them and the cats before Kak Amy and I took off to have our long postponed shopping spree which totally got ruined by the massive amount of people who wanted to go to sunway so we decided to go to subang parade instead. Had tea time and  started to look for stuffs. Not really a successful shopping spree but we did shop. A bit that is :) On the way to our shopping destinations, Kak Amy told me she dreamt that I die 3 days ago. SERIOUSLY? 3 days ago? :'( Now that is so gonna bother me. What is the meaning behind that dream? Why did I die? Kak Amy says that mean there are gonna be some good changes in my life. Why I hope so. Such a disturbing dream -_-* The whole time Kak Amy and I were together, I wanted to tell her about what happened so bad. Right before we went to get Abu again, when we were almost there, I spilled. Everything. About why I deactivated my facebook and twitter again and what was the reason behind it. She noticed :') She was just waiting for me to say something. It made me feel A LITTLE and I repeat A LITTLE better. Sometimes I wonder, does he know? Does he know how much he means to me? Some questions are just impossible to answer with words. Overall, today is Okay.

<2 sloth

Gonna Have A Good Time.

because I'm gonna go out with Kak Amy.

I am so excited to go out today. Just Kak Amy and I. I want to put the world on hold today.

<2 sloth

I'm Tired Of Technology.

because I am.

I just want to off my phone and be unreachable.

<2 sloth

Day 2 - Nine things about yourself.

because you may not know this.

1. I have always feared the darkness. 
2. If something is bothering me, I'll either be sleeping a lot or not be able to sleep at all.
3. I love doing anything DIY. 
4. I don't get sick often but when I do, it takes quite some time for me to recover.
5. I like even numbers. I always think that even numbers deserve a partner.
6. I can talk about anything but when it comes to my feelings its really hard. 
7. I am not a techno geek. I dont really care about that shit.
8. I like randomly messaging my closest friends at odd hours of the day about anything that comes to mind.
9. I'm usually really quite when I am angry/sad/upset/thinking.

<2 sloth

Can't Let Go by Landon Pigg.

because I will forever feel this way I guess.

Well, you're the closest thing I haveTo bring up in a conversationAbout a love that didn't lastBut I could never call you mine

'Cause I could never call myself yoursAnd if we were really meant to beWell, then we justify destinyIt's not that our love died, just never really bloomed

No, I can't let go , no, I can't let go of youYou're holding me back without even trying toI can't let go, I can't move on from the pastWithout lifting a finger you're holding me back

And then we saw our paths divergeAnd I guess I felt okay about itUntil you got with another manAnd then I couldn't understand why it bothered me so

How we didn't dieWe just never had a chance to grow

I can't let go, no, I can' let go of youYou're holding me back without even trying toI can't let go, I can't move on from the past.Without lifting a finger you're holding me back

And it might not make much sense to you or any of my friendsThough somehow still you affect the things I doAnd you can't lose what you never had, I don't understand why I feel sadEvery time I see you out with someone new

I can't let go, no, I can't let goNo, I can't let go of you

I can't let go, no, I can't let go of youYou're holding me back without even trying toI can't let go, I can't move on from the pastWithout lifting a finger you're holding me back

I can't let go, no, I can't let go of youYou're holding me back without even trying toI can't let go, I can't move on from the past

<2 sloth

A Song I've Been Singing Ever Since I Could Remember.

because the lyrics are just so true.

I cant make you love me if you don't.

<2 sloth

I Want To Fly Off.

because I feel like nobody cares right now.

You know what? My problem has always been the fact that I care too much. Being surrounded by people that do not care when you do takes up a lot of my energy. Sometimes, especially times like this I just want to be away. Somewhere nobody knows me. Somewhere where people really dont care about me. I want to just be invisible.

<2 sloth

What Is Wrong With Me?

because I dont know.

Its almost 4am now and I'm in my room. I cant stop crying.

<2 sloth

Day 1 -Ten things you wanna say to ten different people.

because this 10 people means more to me than words can ever describe.

1. M * I love you so much. I can never repay what you've done for me but I am willing to try. I want to be a great person, one that you can always depend on and trust. I have more failures than successes in my life but you are always there for me no matter what and I am so grateful for that. Thank you so much for being the best support on earth and for always supporting me through thick and thin. No matter what, please know that you have me to protect you. I'll drop everything to make you happy. And I am so sorry for dissapointing you. I know I have and it pains me to admit that I did. I will try harder to become someone you can be proud of. Last but not least, dont worry to much, everything is gonna be alright in the end. InsyaAllah (:
2. P * You have thought me so much and thanks to you I am quite a positive person, not forgetting logical. I love you. You are the best role model ever. Even though you are not around all the time, but when you are around, you make every second counts and you tough us to love whole-heartedly. I have always felt that I was the son of the family and thank you for making me see that I am your daughter and not your son and that you love me just the way I am. Thank you for making sure that all of us grow up into decent people, I hope Im not too much of a dissapointment. Thank you for tolerating my random cries at night while you watch tv and thank you for making me feel safe and protected like no one can ever hurt me. I want to spend more time with you and I want to give you what you want instead of you giving me what I want. Thank you for teaching the beauty in life, in music. Thank you for always being there for me.
3. Y * We've known each other for quite some time now and you came into my life when it seems like everyone was getting the hell out. I am so grateful to have been blessed to know such a wonderful person that can relate to how I feel. I praise Allah for bringing you into my life and making it easier to go through my days here in this hell hole. Hahahaha. Thank you for tolerating my good/bad/crazy/emotional/psychopathic/mad/evil/bitchy behavior. Thank you for being the greatest sista forever that anyone could ever have. Even though we are not bound by blood but to me you are my family and you are always welcome into my home. I love our duets and our random car rides to the airport. I dont know what I'll do if I havent meet you. Thank you for supporting me and thank you for encouraging me to follow my heart. Love you !!! :3
4. R * Its funny how we are so close now. I never thought that we would ever even be friends. Hahahaha.  Thank you for being a very awesome best friend and listening to me when I needed someone to talk to. I am happy that you came into my life. Im truely sorry for making you mad once upon a time (still dont know what I did wrong but it must have been really bad for you to be really mad like that). Thank you for being there for me and you should know that I'll be there for you too. I am happy that you found someone who makes you smile (God bless her). I WANT TO BE THE FLOWER GIRL AT YOUR WEDDING (tolong la.I'll be an awesome bunga tabur-er) Hahahaha. I'll be supportive in whatever you do, just know that whatever you do, do it because you want to and because it makes you happy. I would like you to know that you are like a brother I never had. Thank you for everything my bestfriend.
5. N * I'm so happy that we are best friends. You are the best classmate a girl could ever ask for. We had so much fun its ridiculous. Please know that you are beautiful. I've never meet anyone so quirky and amazing like you before. You make people happy. You make people feel comfortable. You make me feel happy and comfortable. Thank you for remembering me when everyone did not. I just love you and I dont say this as often as I should so yeah hahaha. :)
6. Y * No one know me better than you. You've known me ever since we were babies and I am so glad that we are still great together even though there were hard times when I couldn't talk to you. Even after so long of not talking, when we do it feels like we never did stop talking to each other. Blood is thicker than water. You know everything that has happen to me. You tell me the brutal truth when everyone else try to sugar coat things. You are the toughest young lady I have ever known. I love the way you dont let bullshit happen to you. I really want you to know that I am here. Just a call away. Love you baby c. :D
7. L * We dont talk much. But I hope you know that I do care. Your busy and so am I. But when I dont know how to say how I feel you look at me and read into my soul like I am an open book. It feels great to know that you can still do that after so many years. We dont share our feelings much but when we do it means we mean it and I love the fact that when I say things that dont make sense you understand. Sorry for all the time I've been missing. I wish we were neighbors (remember we used to dream that?). I pray that you get what you want in life, you deserve it after all your hardwork. Please take care of yourself kay, love you! <3
8. KA * I miss you. I miss talking before sleeping about our day. I want you back. The old you. The you that used to care about my stupid little love stories. I love you so much and I want to see you happy but nowadays I get to catch that sad look in your eyes. You switch it off pretty quick but you cant fool me. I know. I know you. I am always here for you. Please listen to your heart. Sometimes you feel alone but dont ever forget that I am here, as annoying as ever, but still here. I love you and dont you ever dare forget that!
9. R * You are one of my college friends that I can see still being in my life when we start working and go on our own paths. You are one amazing guy. A true gentlemen. A leader. A good friend. Thank you for caring when everyone else didnt. You will make one heck of an awesome lawyer/father/grandfather/husband/meercat/bimbo. Hahahahaha. Sorry I stressed you out with my stories, I didnt mean to stress you out. Hahahahaha. Thank you for going to the hospital with yen and I. You out of all the people deserves to be happy!!!!!!! (: I'll never forget you.
10. A * Hey there. We've been through so much together. Whenever I look back at the life I lived, you are always there in the picture. We've been through it all. You are one of the most important person in my life. I thank Allah everyday, for blessing me with such an amazing guy in my life, the most loving best friend ever. We had our ups and down and you sticked through it and remain understanding. I am so grateful. I dont ever want to hurt you or see you get hurt. I want you to have what you want. I want you to be happy. I want to see you smile. I want you to be the person you want to be. I want you to live out your dream. I want what you want. I miss you so much. Im mad at myself for the times where I was mean. I am so sorry for everything. I am sorry for making you mad, upset, dissapointed, sad, unhappy. I'll do anything for you. You should know that. I am and always will be here for you, for your family. I don't think I will ever get over you and I am fine with that. Please know that you can tell me anything and everything. Even if it hurts me, I will still be there for you, I will be braver. Whatever thats bothering you, you can tell me, I'll share your burden. I just want whats best for you. I am sorry for getting too emotional sometimes. I will try my best to control myself. I dont want to make you upset. You make me happy. You make me blush. I am your best friend and you are mine. You are family and whenever you are around I feel safe and protected. I love you.

<2 sloth